It's funny, because again your not here when I need you.

Ignore the problem and it goes away, right? Oh, dear.

How wrong.

Oh here she goes again, away. It seems my only big mistake. I thought the words would come alive, I am your maybe, watch tonight.

I prayed for ways to make the day. I am still here, but not the same. I know it now, you're leaving this friend, defense. There she goes. There she runs

What's become, of the person you used to be? You were the only person like me. But now she's disappeared.

Don't stop, don't go, for you are sleeping, tossing. And inch, by inch, you fade away, you are running to your grave. In your career, you are so anti-clear. You can't admit that you don't fit where you're not fitting in.

There she goes, there she runs, What's become, of the person you used to be? You were the only person like me.

But now she's disappeared.

When will it end? When will this god-damned, fuckin pain end? I can't take this anymore, it's like someody curbed stomped my chest. I ache, all the time. Every smile I make, i hurt more. I want to be happy, but it's such a farfetched fantasy at this point.

I needed someone today, and when I turned to look, there was no one. Did I scare everyone away? I was trying to help to scare their wolves away, but I guess they followed suit with them.

I'm not alone,

No, Whore, I'm deffintly, not alone,

I'm just on my own.

I'm such a fucking hypocrite. Hah.

I don't want to be part of the problem
I try so hard to get roughed up
Fists on up, it looks that easy
It looks that way to me
It looks that way to you
But then there's you telling me I can
Then there's you screaming say something
I want the ocean right now
I want the ocean right now
I get so jealous that I can't even work
There I am in the morning
I don't like what I see
I don't know how it's become such a problem
Keep you up all night if I try to remain calm
How can they ask why I feel so angry
Do you see my problem if I never explain it
But then there's you asking me how long
Say something, it's taken me so long

I know you probably won't read this anyways, but i don't care.

I'm sorry, that last entry was uncalled for, but without it, you wouldn't have felt what it's like to be me. You wouldn't have felt what it's like to feel how you make me feel.

Did you know, your what makes me hurt the most? You always think it's him, but he makes me happy. I don't want you back, I have no feelings for you anymore, you've made me dead. You won't ever appologize. But whatever, i'm done. You make me hurt to much, i dont want the pain anymore.

I hope your fucking happy.

HAH!

Oh the bloody irony!

I'm always there for you, when you need me. But when I need you,, your nowhere to be found! (Of corse I know where the fuck you are. You broadcast it like the evening news) Did you honestly think I'd keep this one locked in my head?

No
Way
In
Hell
Sugar.

So tell me, when your with them, is it like being with me? Or do your forget that? Do your "forget" me. Hah.

I bet you don't.

Do I sound bitter?
Do I sound cold?
Do I sound spiteful?

Oh sugar, I am.

You tell me everythongs better, but that was a lie wasn't it? In my life, right now, I need a stable relation ship. Meaning, I don''t have to walk eggshells around you to make ure your not pissed off at me the next day. You out of anyone should know I don't have one of those with anyone. You out of everyone shoulda offered one.

But I don't care anymore. I've reached the breaking point. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't faze me. I don't feel it, I don't feel anything. I'm hallow, so go ahead, yell at me for this. Mske me feel bad, your only hurting yourself.

And by the way, thanks for ignoring me. Thank's for ignoring everything I told you. Thank you for leaving me out of the picture.

Or

Would you like me to lie to make you happy? Would you like me to talk about how Happy and how lucky you are. Would you? Because if it actually will get you to talk to me, and not leave me on the back burner, then I will.

If he's your everything, then that leaves me as nothing. Thanks again.

And don't worry, if you say you hate me and never want to talk to me, that's fine.

I hope your happy with a dope feind.


xx Kar-lee

Oh, Whore.

Finally a place and time I can talk about my feelings, and not everybody elses. Finally a time that they matter.

Hah

They'll never matter.

This is fucked up, no, this is *beyond* fucked up. It's si fucked up, it's looping back to normal. Maybe it's karma, though I tried my best to stay on the good side. This time I swear it's not my fault.

Well Whore,

Everyone was fucking right.

Well Whore, here it is, my heart is now offically being pored all over you bianry code.

Every morning I wake up, happy, refreshed, ready to go. But I just sit there, and I start thinking about how useless it is to do anything, I can't find a point to even get out of bed. So I just lay there untill one or two, then I force myself out of bed because I know if I don't I won't get up. I have to be told to eat, or else I won't. I either don't care enough to, or I forget all together.
I mostly sit in the same spot, the same postion and not say a word all day because my mind cant think of anything other then "Why the fuck should I talk when we just repeat the same things over everyday?" So I say nothing. And when I do talk, I don't say things other then yes, no or maybe. If something good happens in the day, I'm only happy for awhile untill my head starts comming up with the wor st possible things it could. So i try to sleep, but i cant. so i stay up at night noticing the small unimportant details in life, because its the only amusment i find. and when i do start to sleep, i have night terrore and the whole prosses starts again.

Everyday I constantly have to lie and say I'm happy, I was hoping I'd start to believe it, but that never will happen. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. Maybe it's something in my genetic build up that permits it.

Or maybe I just enable myself to not be.

I'm scared Whore, I can't trust myself. I go to take a pill for a headache, I have to restrain my self from taking the bottle. I go to bath, I have to in shallow water or else I try to drown. I can't cope with this anymore I want out!

I'm sorry,

KarleeKaustic.

Hey Whore..

I don't know if this is a rant, or me spilling my heart all over your non-exsistant heart. I suppose it could be either, or perhaps even both?

So forth;

i'm in pain, again. I have the sickest filling of utter and total apathy, and there's nothing I can do about it. Why is it life never goes how you want it, why is it so fucked up nothing will ever turn out to be even remotely close to your perception of normalcie?

Why do I feel this utter sickness everyday and have no way to stop it? No one understands when I tell them, hell, I don't even understand myself..

But I've learned to believe it's real, and in my heart, I know it's real.

Why am I such a fool Whore? Maybe in your data-based brain you could compose me an answer you found on google.

Ta'

Holy-fucking-hell,

It has been awhile Whore. I really don't have much to say,

I have a wicked headache, but i'm too lazy to turn the cp off and sleep. It's raining, I have school, I might possibly be depressed? O.0

Blah, I could complain all day, but instead I'll write about how much I fancy Cinema Bizarre's new album.

Alot.

Okay, I'm done now.

<3 ta.

Hey Whore,

This could possibly be one of the only posts you'll ever have. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Anyways, i'm in a reaaaalllllyy good mood right now. I shouldn't be, but I am.
I've narrowed it down to two reasons I am, Nikki Sixx is on t.v, or cause i'm listening to a reaallllyyy good song.

What song may you ask? Don't Stop - Innerpartysystem, it's been awhile since i've listened to it; so it's got my hyphy!

I thought I should aimlessly rant again, this time about my hair product.

Lame? Fuck you. =]

Anyways, I bought this expencive hair... molding.. junk? (I'm not up on names of hair proucts.) Anyways it's called Manga hair, so it's like gel I guess. ANYWAYS, it works so good, but it drieds in five second flat.

I, -being a lazy cunt- Have no time in those five seconds to get even remotly close to backcombing a layer. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?

(God I sounded like a girlie whore there...)

Other shit i'd like to blog about? Ipod touces.

Like fuck, My touch screens going on it already. I've had it for like what, thee months? God damn it.

OOOHHHHH,

Hahahahah, So I was talking to Ashley today (like everyday) and Matt (don't even ask) Was questioning if I was a girl or a guy, hahah made my day.

Man, i'm hypppppeeerr.

Anyways, nuff now,

TA! <3

p.s
Ashley to anwser my mibba, he totaly DOESN'T get it. =]

Hey Whore, it's that time your hate again.

Yes, it's update time! Haha, there's not much to report on actually.. I'm back at school, its going... okay.

My laptops been finking out on me, stupid Wi-Fi shit,

I don't know?

Ta! <3

Hey Whore,

How're you? Oh that's right, your inadimate and can't respond, to bad.

I know, I'm being a dick, I have been forawhile. It helps, it hides, It soothes.

It's funny you know, I think happiness is an impossiblity for me. At first I thougt it was other people making me low, but I realized it was me. Everytime some form of joy falls over me, so does that bitterness I've grown to alomst.. love?

It's like negitivity is attatch to me, I don't know, maybe i'm just tired.

Ta <3

Hey Whore.

I'm updating you, are you proud of me? Of corse not your a stupid online diary.

So, I have two reasons to this update.

1) I need to vent on something without human emotions.
2) It's been awhile.

I guess I should start,

So, there's this boy. When he talks to me I smile, you know, that same old. I really liked him, of corse I did (You're supposed to like people who make you happy right?). Well, it turns out it was a lot more then like. It was to the point that when he said he felt the same I almost hyperventilaited.

It's to the point I broke up with my girlfriend of eight months to be with him. I suppose I should be happy, right? Well, I am happy. Just, not the happy I should be.

After eight months, a relationship is hard to end. And to do it as I did, was totally horrendious. Especially with the way she felt for me. I'm trying to make it better, but it's not working. Of corse not. Even you Whore, the stupid online diary without any emotion or personal thought's know it's not gonna get better. No matter what I fucking do, it won't get better. So why am I trying? Why not leave him and go back to her?

A) I can't do that, it would hurt me to that. Plus, the damage is done, it wouldn't fix abything.
B) I don't want to lose her.

The eightmonths we shared was amazing, the friendship we shared before that was amazing to. I miss it, sometimes I wish we didn't know eachothers feelings for eachother, then I realize, those 8 months would have been complete hell.

I guess to say what I can't, I'll use some lyrics from AFI. "If only pure sweetness was offered, why's this bitter taste left in my mouth?"


Ta